As many of you have read my life exists in a perpetual state of chaos anymore. There was once a time where I thought I knew what chaos was. Boy was I sadly mistaken. Most days I have no idea what I’m doing or what is going to happen from one moment to the next.
There is no set schedule or rhyme or reason in my house. It has begun to drive me into madness. I need a sense of balance with schedules or routines in place. It helps me plan out my day from moment to moment and there just isn’t that. By no fault of anyone’s of course, but rather a coincidence of circumstances.
Not having all of this has taken its toll for sure. My relationship with my husband has suffered greatly. I feel like emotionally the distance between us has grown. He sits at his computer with headphones on and ignoring the world around us. When we do try to talk it seems strained. We are going to have to work harder to maintain our relationship, I’m sure.
Not to mention, I suffer from PTSD now. I live in a state where they drilled in our heads that we couldn’t have tornadoes here due to the mountain ranges. I have no idea what crack those teachers were smoking as we’ve always had tornadoes here, but they were never very large. However, they never came to the north until recently.
Last September one came through my backyard and I was home alone. I’d never been more terrified in my life. It managed to miss our apartments but left large holes in my mental state. My entire sense of security was trashed.
I had no idea how to cope with such a thing and all I heard from my husband was it was merely a large gust of wind. I do understand that he came from an area where tornadoes level entire blocks on a regular basis, but to me, this was the biggest, most terrifying thing to happen to me in a long time.
Now, when a storm hits I can range from being totally okay with it to a complete wreck. I am working on getting coping mechanisms into place when the worst ones hit, but they take time. I’ve always thought I suffered from bad anxiety in years past, but nothing compares to what I go through now. I feel for those that have lived like this much longer than I.
Especially if they don’t get a lot of support. I know from personal experience when mine hits I get told to basically knock it off. That nothing is going to happen and that I’m overreacting to it all.
Mind you this is the second time that something like this has happened to me. Ten years ago I watched my apartment building burn from someone else being stupid. We were fortunate not to lose much as they stopped it before it hit our half, and only got a few things in our storage shed across the hall, but it was still a pretty frightening experience. For a long time after that if I smelled anything remotely like smoke if a fire alarm went off if the burners on my stove smoked I panicked. It took me some time to learn to cope with that as well.
Again I was told to quit overreacting, that nothing was going to happen.
Throughout all of this, though, I’ve found one thing that is mine. Somewhere that I can go that is purely mine and that is into my writing. While somewhere along the way I’ve lost my way to my peaceful place or found it difficult to get there, I always find my way back.
I’ve finally found my way back to my writing. I need to remember how great it feels to write. Even if it never sees the light of day it heals something deep inside of me. After all this time, it is back to work for me. I’ve started handwriting a novel for me. I can’t wait to really get into it.
Remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.