This will be what I consider my Monday blog post. While it is a day late, it is here none the less. I’ll explain more in detail some of the things that have plagued me since Friday of last week, which took me some time to discover what it might have been.
As of Friday, I began to feel my writing waining a bit. This isn’t uncommon for me as I often go through phases of excitement and none while writing on a project. I could feel the tension mounting at writing and I was missing my daily goals. Again, this isn’t entirely uncommon for me as you see if you’ve read along for a while here. I’m often plagued with self-doubt and really haven’t been as productive as I need to be. It is something that I’ve been working on, or at least trying to work on.
While it hasn’t been going as well as I’d like it to, it still is happening. Nothing is easy when it comes to altering such a big part of your personality – procrastination and self-doubt are terrible nemeses to have to fight.
As you can imagine, I’ve already begun slowing on a project from the self-doubt creeping in, but as if that wasn’t enough to face my inner critic joined in as well. So not only was I doubting my ability to write, but my inner critic amplified it all.
That voice is a powerful force and often times I don’t realize how much it has been whispering in my ear until it is too late. It all mixes together and I want to cry. My inner critic is sickeningly cruel to listen too, but a sneaky little devil as well. I’ve never paid it much mind, so often times it can be whispering away for weeks at a time before I register what it is even doing. By the time I realize how bad it has gotten I’m wrecked inside.
Now, as I said earlier, I’m often plagued with self-doubt. It gets worse from time to time and I often complain about it more than I probably should to the hubby man and children. I’m not in search of accolades, but rather just to voice it all before it settles into the pit of my stomach. That is usually when the depression kicks in, so I try to manage the larger picture of negativity by blowing some steam off by venting.
Still, I feel like I complain way too much about it. As if I’m fishing for compliments or something, instead of just blowing off steam before it escalates. That being said, because of it, I spend a lot of time not venting now. I mainly keep things to myself when it comes to my writing.
It leaves me with the feeling of being utterly alone in the world. Which, as you can imagine, affects every aspect of my life. It isolates me from those around me and most of the time nobody knows what I’m going through on the inside. This all makes for a perfect breeding ground for the negativity of the inner critic.
Words of being a failure, an utter failure. Never going to be good enough. What does it matter, I’ll never finish the novel anyway, look at my graveyard files. There are plenty of those.
It’s an endless spew of negativity about my writing and if I don’t react right away it moves on to other aspects of my life. I’ll never lose all the weight I want. It’s only a matter of time before the hubby man wakes up and realizes he can do better than me. While I’m my grandkids favorite person, they’ll eventually figure out what a failure I am too.
Over and over, again and again. It all circles around in my head. The inner critic is a cruel thing to have and left unchecked…it gets out of control. Between that and my anxiety…it can be quite crippling.
I am working on methods to help me control all of that, but I can tell you right now…the worst thing you can do when you start to feel this way and your inner critic is ranting away. Don’t keep quiet. Don’t keep to yourself like I have. It just makes it so much worse, until eventually, it gets so bad and dark in your head that it is hard to crawl out of the bed and when you do…you keep to yourself.
It’s all left me defeated and I can’t tell you the number of projects that I’ve started and stopped. This year I promised myself that I’d release a couple of novels, but so far, I haven’t actually worked hard enough on a project to complete it. I have plenty of projects that are close to done or are things I really want to see finished, but somehow convinced myself they weren’t good enough. Now that I’ve gone back through them I realize, that just wasn’t the truth.
While I work on creating methods that work for me to hush the inner critic, I am also working on a list of projects I want to see completed and in what order I wish to see them. Hopefully, it’ll give me enough of a drive to get motivated once more to finish what I start.
Until next time, Readers. Remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.