Happy Sunday, dear Readers!!!
I spent last night up for most of it. My mind was too restless to sleep. It was whirring in so many directions that it wasn’t even funny. Someone had said something to me, accused me of something that didn’t reside well with me. Were they right? Were they wrong? Was I truly being the way that they accused me of being?
These thoughts rotated around and around in my head. I puzzled over them until I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. When I did finally fall asleep it wasn’t fitful in the least bit. In fact, it was so minute that I only slept for a few hours.
As you can imagine when I awoke the tirade continued on. So many unanswered questions that circled around the same thing. How could I be grateful for what I have if I knew I wanted more for my future? Was I truly that bad of a person to be so ungrateful for where my life was at? Or was I disgusting for wanting more for my future?
These thoughts and questions tore me apart. They destroyed everything I believed of and for myself and thank God they did. Without puzzling over such things I wouldn’t have spent most of today in search of the answers that I knew would come to me. After all, what you put your focus into energy will follow? The things that you ask of yourself and truly ask in search of answers will be answered.
Sure enough, the answer came too. I wasn’t wrong and I’m not ungrateful for where my life is at. I’ve worked damn hard to be here. At a young age, I was without guidance from a parent. My father was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor. My mother’s focus went rightfully onto taking care of him. While we had older siblings, one wasn’t even in our life. He was merely a picture on a wall and the other two were there trying to ensure our father was taken care of as well.
It was exactly as it should be. The lessons that came out of such a life were immense and those I don’t believe I appreciated until I was much older. Still, I learned them. It took me until a horrible divorce, though before I put these lessons into effect.
I showed my balls to the wall sort of personality. Take no prisoners. Milk every moment of life for every drop possible. Life is way too freaking short to live afraid.
I became so confident in who I was and what I wanted out of my life I started to take control over it in ways I had never thought possible. I worked hard for what I had and while it really wasn’t a lot, it was mine. I was beyond proud of that. Especially as I started out with little.
There isn’t a part of me that will sit here and lie to you and say it was easy. I struggled to be a single parent of three kids. There were times I couldn’t make the bills and groceries. I had to turn to government help and ask my family as well.
It got really rough during that time. My health started to fail, depression kicked in and I eventually gave up. I let the challenge of my life beat me. It beat me hard.
Time passed and slowly I crept myself out of the hole I’d dug myself into, or at least I thought I had. Upon hindsight, I think I dug sideways more than anything. I hid from it, really. I hid from who I was and what I wanted out of life. I told myself lies to be okay with where I was at.
I tucked me away, deep down inside. If being me brought on that much in trials maybe I was wrong for being that way, to begin with. Years upon years after that I remained hidden. Being me meant being made fun of by people that were supposed to love me, being me meant struggling with life in general, being me brought only pain.
I won’t like, I played the chicken crap after that. I kept myself hidden from the world. It was easy to be loved when you spent all your time pleasing everyone else – however, it wasn’t authentic love and it was destroying.
I didn’t love myself. In fact, I’d grown to despise who I was and what I was doing. I kept searching for a balance and ignoring what was really going on. I medicated myself with alcohol and cigarettes. I kept pushing myself into boxes everyone else wanted me in.
Even when I did start to work on my career, the path I truly wanted I let everyone else’s thoughts, saying and fears corrupt my path. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up and state anything. To believe in me so much that nothing could stop me.
I made myself small so I could hide among others. I dimmed my own light to keep from standing out and being my unique self.
No longer. I have finally reconnected with me inside. I feel the power of being my authentic self-surging through my veins and I know what I’m capable of.
So, here I stand to tell you, DO NOT under any circumstance dim your light for the small minded around you or those that cannot see your journey. It is not theirs to see. Be proud of who you are and what you are capable of.
Also, be damn proud of where you’ve made it in life. Even if you’ve struggled so hard to get there. You’ve been given some amazing challenges and lessons to learn along the way to prepare you for the incredible journey in front of you as well.
Don’t forget to stand tall and be proud of exactly where you are at and don’t feel horrible for knowing in your soul how much further you can go. That there is so much more of your unique self to give and share with the world around you. There is nobody else on this planet like you so shine on and don’t let the judgments and commentary of others define who you believe you are. That is their journey and challenges to bare, not yours.
Until next time, Lovelies, L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) to the fullest. Shine on!