Man has it been a few days trapped in a mental battle. My depression had become so out of control and I continued to wallow in it instead of trying to figure out what had put me there, to begin with. Once I quit trying burying my head in the sand and allowing time to pass by unnoticed while I sat there ignoring my problems and world a lot of things made more sense.
For a long time I would take at least a year off between books. At first, I’d finish a novel and it would only be a week to recover from the hard push. Then I’d have some other reason why I couldn’t start another novel. I never had ideas that were good enough or some various other thing. Weeks would turn to months and eventually months to one year, sometimes two before I’d sit down to write once more.
True to form, during this time I would battle depression like none other. I would find myself in a lull with life. I’d lounge around binge watching things on television, play video games all day, or just stare at a Youtube screen and let life continue on without me.
It has become quite the habit once I finish a novel and this time I wanted to change it on its head.
No way was I going to fall into old habits and allow myself to shut down for no reason. That was the plan. I wasn’t going to allow momentum to die a horrible death this time.
Let me tell you. I decided to take a break after the novel was written. There was FanX in one weeks time and I still had to prep and pack for that. After that, there was something else.
One week has turned to two and two to one month. So on and so forth. I started to spend my days no longer participating in life. I’d stare at my screen. Locked myself away in my room and away from people.
Once the family would come home from work and school it became even easier. I was spending quality time with them and that was important too. Preserving relationships, don’t you know.
Here I sit middle of October, all momentum I had with the last book depleted and gone. While I knew that much, it had registered through the fog, I still did nothing about it.
The goal was to have this novel finished by the end of the month. Well, the rough draft of it, but I allowed myself to make too many excuses and take too much time off from writing that the momentum I needed died.
This is a horrible thing. It takes a lot of time to build that momentum back up. Which means that while it had become so much easier to write five thousand words a day during the last novel, I had forgotten about the near two weeks it had taken me to force myself to sit in my seat and keep going until I got it. If I missed the goal before I was needed to babysit, then I was up late at night finishing it off.
Now, thanks to allowing myself so much time off and giving myself every excuse within the book I killed that and will have to start over to rebuild that momentum.
Not only has my momentum taken a plummet but my depression has grown worse. Why is that some of you might ask? Let me explain that I have severe depression on a daily basis. It is always there just waiting for me to slip up. By having goals that I am striving for and things that I am excited for, I can keep it at bay. I don’t feel like staying in bed all the time and sleeping. I participate in life and when my family tries to interact with me I don’t just stare at them blankly.
To me, this is everything. So, I keep goals that I reach for. It is one of the reasons that I can’t just be content with life. If I accept that this is all I will ever have then I quit living – really living. I spend more time in bed and I just give up.
I can’t do that. I don’t want a life like that. So, I make my goals and keep pushing for more. No matter if anyone else in my life understands it or not. It isn’t their journey. It is mine.
Now, that I have cleared my head of this fog and stopped wallowing, I know it is time to dig back into work. I’m going to have to force myself to the grindstone. I’ll have to build momentum back up.
What was the question I had to ask myself? For everything that I want to have in the future am I making strives in this moment to not only reach for those goals and have those things, but am I doing the things necessary to keep them as well.
When I was honest with myself this morning not only was I not doing the things in this moment to achieve the things I want and get the things that would be nice, but I definitely wasn’t being the person that I needed to be to maintain it. That was a wake up call for me. The one that I have needed.
So, back to the grindstone for me. I have a goal and place that I want to get to and I won’t do it by using old habits. I need to keep moving.
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.