I have to say this morning was quite a shocker for me. I’d set my alarm for four a.m. so that I could get substantial amount of work before the grandbabies woke up. At first, this alarm made no sense to my sleepy head, but eventually I got up to it and shut it down.
My thoughts circled around on how I’d let my weight get out of control and why I’d just given up on so many things. While it sounds depressing I wasn’t looking at it from that type of perspective but more puzzling it out. I truly wanted to know what had happened and how I can fix it.
While making a pot of coffee it popped into my head. I believe due in large part because all of my brain wasn’t awake to over analyze or get in its way. Needless to say, I came up with it all being a defense mechanism.
I had some really really crappy things happen to me when I was younger. I’d gone from a vivacious and hungry for life little girl to shut down. I didn’t talk to anyone about things that really meant anything to me and I hid for the most part.
This really horrible thing that happened to me happened when my father was too sick to save me and everyone else did nothing. I learned extremely quickly that I had to save myself and being only about eleven at the time I did what I could to save myself. I made myself as unappealing as possible. I gave up and I hid behind everything.
After all, if I was unappealing I’d be safe, right? Problem was once I was safe I’d hidden everything away so deeply and buried the reasoning so far beneath the surface that I just didn’t know. I ran on auto programming and my life just kept cycling around as me protecting myself from a threat that no longer existed.
My entire life has been that way. I’m always trying to protect myself from threats that no longer exist. Not just from when I was younger but everything after that point.
It really was a wake up call this morning when that thought popped into my head. Most people that discover something that profound cry, they cry the tears of the injured they’d hidden away. I sat with a cup of coffee and stared into oblivion for awhile. Shock. That is what I was. I knew it was true. Everything about it felt like it was my truth.
I needed to take the time to let it all sink in – to process it. So, I wrote in my journal. That helped. By the end of letting it all out I did cry then. Not tears of sadness but of joy. I’d finally discovered what had been holding me back and while it was myself, it was different then I had expected.
For the first time in a long time, I felt free. I knew what was wrong, I could finally move past it and live my life.
The other thing I came to the realization with is I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fit in and prove to the very same people that never came to save me, that I was worth saving back then.
I didn’t need saving back then. Not by anyone except me. I SAVED MYSELF. It wasn’t easy and my methods really weren’t the best and I’m paying for them now I’m older and no longer being threatened. But, I did the best that I could at the time with the knowledge that I had.
I can’t be upset by that. Nor do I owe anyone anything around me. I don’t have to be their version of me. Their opinions do not matter any longer. There is no debt to be paid. I owe nothing to anyone but me and now I will show myself how much I love and appreciate everything that I’ve done to preserve my own sanity and existence.
I’m in for an amazing journey now. I know it and believe it within my soul.
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.