Here we are still at the very early stages of the new year. In these few short days I’ve manage to apply so much pressure and judgement upon myself that I woke yesterday in the middle of an extreme anxiety attack.
I couldn’t breathe or calm down. I took my meds as soon as I woke up and new what was going on, but it wasn’t fast enough. It was to the point I felt nauseous and I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to keep the medicine down.
Every resource I could manage as a person went to trying to relax and calm down. I tried listening to Weightless by Marconi Union, which usually works. It has this ability to calm me down and put me to sleep so I wouldn’t recommend listening to it while you are driving or anything.
While it works for the most part as soon as I started falling asleep I’d startle back away and my attack would be worse. So, that wasn’t going to work this time around alone. I had to try to wait until the meds had time to kick in, which meant fighting to keep them down.
When it had calmed enough, I could utilize other exercises such as meditation and the music to finish calming myself down. By the time the anxiety attack came to an end I was left exhausted in every sense of the world. There was a weakness to my body that made it so I crawled back in bed and slept most of the day until I awoke to my husband screaming at my oldest daughter.
Talk about not helping to remain calm and relaxed. My anxiety kicked up yet again, piggy backing on the first attack. Still, this time I couldn’t take care of me. I have two sick grandkids that needed me and my time.
So, we my daughter and I took the boys into their bedroom to play and make special peanut butter sandwiches in a fort. When they all laid down for a nap then I went and crawled back into bed.
That was how I spent my day yesterday. It was completely exhausting and I hate when my anxiety attacks to that degree. However, that being said I know that I did it to myself. I can usually tell when my anxiety and stress levels are raising. I pick at my ears until they bleed which is one of the outward signs of what is going on inside.
I should have taken the time to realize that was a problem and apply self care tactics to lower that level, but I didn’t. I kept trying to push myself and grew angry with myself for not accomplishing my goals. I hadn’t fixed the chapter in Poisonous Revenge that I needed to get done. I wasn’t following my schedule and my goals that I’d set out for myself.
So, instead of taking care of myself I applied even more pressure which amplified everything. This is something I truly need to get better at doing. I need to read the signs of my stress and to handle them better. I need to take better care of myself as well.
That is something I think we don’t discuss enough about. Sure, having goals and aspirations is fantastic, along with the plans to accomplish all these things. However, we need to take the time to be in touch with our own mental well being and bodies to know when we need to apply some grace to our daily lives.
Self care is just as important as every other part of the journey. I think sometimes as creatives we forget that. We figure our writing, drawing or what have you is a way to cope with our daily lives and I’m sure in a lot of ways it is, but sometimes we put so much pressure to our creativity that we need to find a way to care for the rest of us as well.
So, here is to making this year about being more sensitive to my mental needs and working on not stressing myself out so much.
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) Or it isn’t worth doing.