Hello, Readers! Welcome back to my blog.
I am one that enjoys spending time in thoughts. Sure it has the side effect that sometimes I spend too much time that way. That I overthink and overanalyze everything, but I also have the extremes of not doing any of that as well.
I sort of numb myself out to the world. I may interact with you, but there is no brain spark behind it all. The moments just come and go and nothing is retained. It is something I never realize is happening until a long period goes by and I can’t tell you a thing about what happened during that time. Days will pass with little acknowledgment from me.
Even then, it takes a long period of time living like this before I take notice. Lately has been one of those times. For probably the last month, I’ve lived in a state of almost numbness. Video games I once loved are played for short periods of time, like maybe ten minutes before I’m shutting them down. Even my work…I haven’t written anything that hasn’t been tossed out.
It has grown so bad that as the mistakes with the promo products have been going on, I’ve screamed, bawled and wanted to throw things. I’ve told my family I really don’t care if I ever write for the public again. While that seems like a tantrum…it is honestly how I feel.
I love to write. There will never be a long period of time that I don’t write in some form or another. Storytelling is in my blood and it is just who I am and how I communicate. That doesn’t mean I have to release work.
I’ve thought about pulling the release date for The Opseti Guard. Of rebranding it before I put it back out there, but the thing is baring the redo of everything twice and the high cost it has been to me personally over these mistakes, I do believe in this novel. I believe in the series and I love it.
However, the crap I have gone through with lack of communication, the placed blame on everyone else, and just the endless stream of bull crap that has cost me more than I even paid for the cover…I truly have contemplated just pulling the release date for the novel.
Which hasn’t helped me want to put my life back on track. In fact, it has made it worse, so much worse.
Today, though, I used my journal entry to work out what may be going on with me. I mean, this is literally changing every aspect of my life. There is most definitely something going on that is so much deeper than an irritation.
I do believe I may have come up with something. A month ago, my family informed me that I keep myself locked away a lot. They weren’t wrong. So, I quit spending time in my office. I brought my laptop, journal, bullet journal and notebooks out here to the table. I was going to do my work out and around everyone.
That is what I told myself. That way, they could no longer claim I was never present.
Mind you, I’m one that needs that alone time. I need time to process my thoughts, to dream and imagine. In such a busy part of my house, I simply don’t get it. My days consist of a ton of noise and an endless sea of interruption.
So, my brain has shifted from the things it requires to get work done. I spend my days scrolling Facebook, bouncing from one craft or game to another. Nothing that takes deep concentration or thought. That way if I’m interrupted it just doesn’t matter.
I have binge-watched shows because it is okay if they’re interrupted. I’ve avoided literally anything that takes concentration of any real form. It is virtually impossible to do any of that right now.
In turn, a month has gone by, nothing is written. I’m still in the exact same spot I was when I moved out here on the third book. In fact, if I keep with the mode of changing it then I’m back almost 50k in words. I’m not even posting here on the blog regularly.
When I go to bed I don’t feel fulfilled. I just fall asleep around one a.m. when my body finally grows so bored I can sleep. Sometimes I stay up once my daughter goes to school, but often times I crawl back into bed.
In those quiet moments before sleep, those are the times when I can be alone with my thoughts. However, they are rather brief and not very helpful.
Still, now that I know that I’ve swung the pendulum completely in the opposite direction of being more present for my family – I can now take steps to move it more into a balance so that I can still get work done, but they have my time and attention as well.
These are all contemplative thoughts at this moment and hopefully will provide me with a leaping off point to bring my mental health back in check.
Life is always about finding a sort of balance. You can’t be all play and you can’t be all work. Both options will drive a person to madness.
This is constantly something I’m trying to discover, the balance of it all. I’m usually the one that bounces from one extreme to the other. That isn’t any healthier, but now that I know what is going on I can fix it.
Tell me, do you ever struggle to find the right balance in your life?
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing. (Just remember not to make that call in the heat of your emotions. Let them cool and then decide.)