2019 · April

Control and Trust

Hello, Readers!

As of late, I have felt overwhelmed by the demands on my time. There is a long list of things that I would like to do for myself. I would love to create things out of clay as my last one burned in the over because of my carelessness. There are crochet blankets that I want to finish and novels that I actually want to read. Not to mention the ones that I want to write.

Still, I have found myself spending more time doing other things, like playing online games or sitting in front of the television binge-watching on Netflix or Hulu.

None of which has been particularly helpful for me. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy them from time to time, but not to the point that I’ve been doing either of them. I’ve lost track of the things that I love to do.

I think it comes down to the fact that I feel like I have to control everything. That if I’m not on top of everything all the time, that the world will fall apart around me. While I’d love to say that isn’t true, just let me get sick for a week or my depression takes over for a week and then look at the condition of my house.

Now, that being said, I feel like if I’m not the one up to make sure everyone gets up on time for work or school then it’s my fault if they miss it. That if they somehow miss work that it will spell complete devastation. Granted, it isn’t good for them to miss, but why is it solely my job. Especially, given that the one I’m the most worried about missing is my oldest daughter. She’s in her twenties. Her life is her responsibility now.

My teenage daughter, which is still my responsibility has me waking her up more often than not as well. Though I do have to admit, lately she has taken on more responsibility for herself and is getting up on her own. On that one, it is my job to take care of her to a point. We are still working on drawing that line of everything I need to do.

None of this qualifies for my hubby man as he is self-sufficient and tends to himself. However if someone is not doing what they need to do, he comes to me about it. I am the middle man in all things. The other day our daughter had gotten up early and was getting ready for work. Somehow I’d gotten her work schedule wrong in our calendar and he came to me asking me questions instead of going straight to her.

I believe these are the things that have made me feel like I have to be in control over everything all the time. It’s got me stressed out of my mind. It’s to the point that I do things like play video games all day and watch television because there isn’t demands for me there. Not ones that are overly stressful. If my game becomes too demanding then I flip to the television.

Now, that being said, I do know that I’m the one at fault for where my life is at. I created this monster by needing to be in control for my entire life. I’ve taught those around me to treat me this way.

I’ve been working on that and will continue to work on that. As I was talking to my dear friend, Cat, she told me some advice that another person told her, The world will not stop turning if I’m not on top of everything. It simply won’t care and will continue on what it is doing.

It was like this huge weight was lifted off me as I thought about that. She’s right. I don’t have to be in control always. It’s okay to take care of me. To prioritize my needs above others. If I’m not taken care of then I have nothing to give others.

If for some reason I don’t manage to do everything that I feel ‘obligated’ to accomplish then it isn’t going to stop the world from turning. So, why am I stressing myself out as always?

It’s hard for me to let go of control, but that is something I’ve really been working on for a few months now. Even in the stores, I’ve had my husband push the basket more times than not. Before you’re like big deal…no, this is a huge deal for me. I have always had to control that aspect too.

So, from now on I’m going to work harder at giving up that control. I’m going to spend more time doing the things that I enjoy. I’ll reconsider the things that I feel obligated to have to accomplish and really make sure that they are things that I must do.

I need to do this, for me. My mental health has grown so poor over the last few years. I’ve felt like I’ve taken a back burner to serve everyone else and it’s cost me dearly.

Does that mean I won’t help others out? Absolutely not, but I will make sure that I really want to do it and that it isn’t going to cost me doing the things to which I need to do for me either.

The world won’t stop spinning if you don’t handle everything. Maybe that is something you need to hear too.

Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.

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