Hello, Readers! My house has all had bouts of bad colds in the last few weeks. If I haven’t been running around like mad trying to take care of the hubby man and everyone else, I’ve been down with the stupid cold myself.
It has kept me bedridden for a few days now. However, between sleeping and medicine doses I did manage to read a few books, so I’m happy about that. Sometimes, I forget to take the time to do the things that I enjoy. So, it was nice to just lock me away in a room and read.
Now that I’m starting to feel better, I am working on getting back on track. I have this sensation that I am so close to this massive breakthrough. Not only for my work career but for my life. That I’m standing on the cusp of it and all I have to do is trust myself and my journey and jump.
Trust is something that I honestly don’t have in myself. I over analyze each step. I second guess myself and I have to have everything planned out to the T. That includes with my writing.
I do this because I don’t trust myself to know what I’m supposed to be doing or that if something doesn’t go my way that I can’t bounce back from it. It’s a horrible thing. It is also an extremely stifling thing.
When it comes to my writing I plot out every aspect because I don’t trust that I have this organic sense of how a story goes, or the characters in my head. I plot them out until I can no longer hear the voices in my head. My characters.
As a child, I used to use voices all the time. When my kids were little I’d read to them in voices as well, but somewhere along the way, I grew ashamed of all that. I was made fun of for the way things worked in my head so I turned away from all that, instead of trusting that I knew what I was doing and how things worked for me.
This is not the only instance of it, nor the only way this lack of trust in myself has taken its toll on my life, but this would be an extremely long blog post if I detailed it all out. Just understand that this lack of trust has literally affected every aspect of my life. From the way I dress and act, to my career, to my decisions about my future.
It has tainted everything. Now that I can see it so clearly and it has been brought to the forefront of my brain, I can now work on connecting more with my inner rebellious child and working as one.
I hope that doing so will allow me to regain trust in myself and my intuitions. That it will help relieve some of the anxiety and stress I feel on a daily basis.
There is a great article that I read about this very thing, once I realized that is what I was having issues with. I will drop it here in hopes that maybe someone else will find it as interesting as I did.
As I work on getting more comfortable in trusting myself and repairing all the damage that has been done, my work will, in turn, reflect such changes as well. It’s time to finally jump into that sensation I have and know that I will come out on the other side one way or another. Rather it works or I learn from it. I will trust myself to be okay with exactly who I am.
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.