As most of you that have followed this blog for some time have seen, I often question if maybe writing is for me any longer. That maybe something has happened that has changed the course of my life.
It can and does happen from time to time and has happened on a multitude of times in my own life.
Now, that being said, I can’t tell you how many months of anxiety, depression, and just general questioning of my life’s direction has filled every waking hour of my life. It has driven me to the brink of what feels like madness many times before.
Well, last night, I had a dream that awoke in the darkness of my room. There, sat up to my writing desk was my ex-husband. While I knew it wasn’t my ex that was the important part, but rather the things we shared in common. He was also a writer, but his was a hobby. We’d had creative writing together and he wrote these incredible stories and poems. Truly a talented individual.
Anyway, I sat up in the bed and I asked him why he never pursued writing as a career for him. How could he just walk away from it all? He was so talented.
There in the darkness he answered me that it was never meant to be a career. Writing was there to help him through the dark times in his life, not there to make a career from it.
After that point, I stood from the bed and walked out of the darkness and into the light. Once I entered the light I awoke from my dream.
I’ve sat here for a while this morning just thinking over this dream and what it could mean. I know dreams are often symbolisms and answers to our own subconscious thoughts. That it could all be a range of different things from stress to anxiety to depression and the lot.
Still, somewhere I have to wonder if it was my brain answering my thoughts. That the reason I’m struggling with my writing now, the reason that writing is bringing me stress now instead of escape is because writing was never meant to be my career. It was merely there to help me through the dark times.
That could be both a blessing and a sadness in that aspect. A blessing because it means the dark times are in the past for now. That is something I’ve struggled with since the diagnosis of my father’s tumor and later his death, then the sickness and death of my own mother. During all of that is a mix of a failed marriage and many other things that took its toll on me.
I wrote through it all. Writing was my escape. While everything in my world was falling apart, writing gave me a safe place to hide.
Now, my life isn’t falling apart. In fact, it is going rather well. I am truly happy in my marriage. I have my grandbabies here at the house and get the great honor to help my oldest daughter through raising a pair of rough and tumble boys.
I’m transitioning from being a stay at home mom to a mom with grown children. It is a new era in my life as we finish up the final year of my youngest daughter’s schooling and she decides what her future holds.
Maybe for me, I was trying to turn writing into something it simply wasn’t in my life. That maybe it is time to explore other avenues for my life. I’m not really sure, but I can tell you that dream has given me a lot to consider. Plus, all the stress and such that I was feeling for so long…I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me.
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.