While I’m still trying to get my schedule back on track and rebuild what once was so solid, I have to admit, things like making sure tasks are completed at an orderly fashion has completely gone out the window. As you can tell by the timing of this blog.
My babysitting work week is starting to gear up once more. At the rate of my working being all over the map, this does not bode well for that. I can’t accomplish much while I’m babysitting, so I really do need to reign in the timing of things.
It is almost four here at night and not only am I just now getting to the blog, but I’ve accomplished nothing else. That is the worst of it. Even doing my morning pages of journaling took me hours to complete.
So, I have this unconscious order in which I do things and if something is delayed or takes longer, that means everything else on my list is postponed as well. I don’t know why that is, but it has always been that way.
It doesn’t help that I woke up feeling unmotivated either. It was a rough night of sleep for me, and that certainly took its toll. Still, I need to make sure that I’m getting my work done. It was a promise to myself and I need to get better at honoring those things.
That means even if I have to stay awake much later, I’m not going to sleep until my work is done. It is what I have to do to rebuild confidence in myself.
I will say that one days like this when I can’t seem to get it together it starts the mental chatter of feeling broken. My brain will repeat to me often that it feels broken inside, that I can’t seem to get a handle on my life. If I don’t catch it and quiet it down, it can take me days to get back on track.
I’m not broken. Not really. I’m just having a day where I have to show up for me. Not because it is easy, but because I promised myself I would do it. The more I do this and the more it becomes a habit, the easier it will be to just sit down and do what needs doing.
It can be hard to break through all of the chatter that happens in an idle brain. If you’re not guiding to think about something or keeping it under control, your brain will chatter like nothing else. Still, like all muscles you have to build it up to notice when that cycle begins and to cut it off once more. Bring it back onto track.
I won’t claim that it always works or that I am great at stopping it, but I am working on building that muscle back up. There are far too many things that I wish to do that I simply can’t do if I let the endless chatter of nonsense get in the way.
Even now as my schedule is way off track, I still have work that needs to be finished before bed, which means I won’t be able to call it a night until it is completed. If that bothers me enough, I guess I’ll pick up the pass then, won’t I?
That is what I try to keep telling myself. I did this to myself and there are real consequences to my putzing around all day. Now, I get to spend the time I would normally be relaxing getting my work accomplished.
However, that being said, on a day like tomorrow where I babysit at night it becomes harder. It means that I’m taking away from my sleep to get my work done. Either way, it has to get done. It’s about time I showed up for me.
I deserve that. It has taken me a long time to even realize that much. So, I have to learn to adapt my schedule and the way I do things to make sure all my work is getting done at one time.
Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.