2019 · October

Learning a New Balance

Hello, Readers!

After heading into the doctor to get the medications I need, I started them. While I won’t know their true effects until almost two weeks, I can say they give me a bit of a headache at first, even with food. I’m hoping that is an effect that will go away once the medicine fully kicks in.

He diagnosed me with depression, which I knew. There was also mention that the horribly crippling anxiety attacks were a by product of the depression. Also, he wants me to start seeing a therapist for his other two diagnosis which were PTSD, as well as agoraphobia.

That last one was a shocker. I mean looking back it makes perfect sense, but prior to it being pointed out by both my hubby and the doctor, I hadn’t seen it. That sort of is the way things work. You see clearly in reverse and always an outside person shining light on it, makes it more clear.

When the doctor asked when it all started I could only tell him I’ve had this for years. I couldn’t pinpoint a date. However, again, the hubby was able to come up with it. The year the tornado went through our backyard. That is when everything was so much worse for me.

Granted, I’m aware there are those of you that live with that threat consistently. Here in Utah, not so much of a threat. It is rather rare if we get tornadoes and more so up north where all the mountains are. However, it is becoming a bit more of a threat in the last, I’d say twenty or so years.

As for the agoraphobia, same thing. I struggle with leaving my house since that point. That one is rather different. It is more based on anxiety. I’m always afraid I’ll have a meltdown in public or even around family. They feel so extreme and during the beginning stages of it, I can feel eyes upon me. Rather they are real or imagined, it doesn’t matter. It makes the whole thing embarrassing and not something I want others to see about me.

I can’t control them and my window of being able to do things for myself is very minimal in the beginning of an episode. Therefore, I just don’t leave the house. I’ve lost all independence with this and if I do go out, I have to have the hubby man with me. He knows how to handle them, what I need to get through it and he can remove me from the public so that I can go through the episode without drawing a big audience.

After they happen, I sleep for a lot of hours because they are exhausting. It is the worst thing ever and one of the causes for the extreme down episodes of the depression. They can happen frequently, like several days in a week, when that happens that is no quality of life, so I’d swing so low that the thoughts in my head would be, I can’t keep living this way.

Once it became so dark in my head that I was contemplating suicide, I knew I needed to get more help. This clearly wasn’t something that I could handle on my own. While my trust in people is rather limited, I had to reach out for help.

I’m now putting my trust in a bunch of people that I don’t know to help me fix the things that became broken inside of me. So, I’m sure I will be detailing more of it out here on the blog. As these are things that I am contending with currently.

I am still writing and I’ve picked up reading once more as well. There isn’t much to put about my writing other than, it is slow moving, but it is progressing. However, due to everything with the cycles and such, I can tell you it won’t be finished by November like I had hoped.

Still, I will handle it all as long as my mental health is finally being taken care of. And with all the extra energy that comes with the medication, I’m sure my physical health will be doing a whole lot better as well. Lord knows, I have plenty of it right now.

Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing. And always remember to take care of your mental health.

2 thoughts on “Learning a New Balance

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