It’s been a long time since I’ve found myself here on the blog. Not because I didn’t want to be here, but because I felt I had nothing worth while to share. How could I come to my blog day in and day out and unload all the depressing things in my head? Nobody would want to read that. In fact, it would drive most away.
I know if I could have gotten away from myself I would have. Even now as I’m on the right medication and have a therapist to work with come the new year, I still found myself in that pit. I’ll admit it wasn’t quite as low as before, but it was still pretty bad.
The amount of frustration I felt with myself was ridiculous. After going to see a doctor and getting the help I so desperately needed, how could I find myself back in the same pit? It had even gotten so bad that the my anxiety was more of a problem then it ever had been. I was taking two Xanax a day just to get through without collapsing.
Considering that is coming from only taking one twice a week and never more than one a day, I was getting worried.
So, I turned to the person I always turn to, the hubby man. We sat down and we talked. Okay, I did most of the talking, but he really listened and I felt that the things he said had far more impact. It felt amazing and it was the kind of conversation I really needed.
It wasn’t just me complaining and venting, but it was a real conversation on things that may help me feel more like myself again. Not only that, but we came up with a plan moving forward.
After I took the rest of the day to get some much needed rest. I didn’t worry about anyone or anything else. I simply listened to myself.
Do you know what I learned? I had a small voice whispering what I needed to do to feel better, but because I hadn’t listened to it in so long, it was easy to ignore it. Well, I wasn’t going to ignore it any longer.
I did listen to it. I allowed myself to connect on a much deeper level and I came up with a plan. I now know the things that I have to do to feel like myself once more, to feel connected to me and no longer like I’m simply floating around.
After all, the only thing I ever dreamed about as a kid was being an author. I didn’t care if I had kids. I didn’t dream of my wedding. No, I dreamed up fantastical story plots and instead of going out to recess, I’d stay inside and write. It got me in trouble plenty at school to the point my teacher called my mother in to ask about my antisocial behavior.
None of that mattered, though, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. So, why then have I allowed my hopes and dreams to fall to the side? I’ve allowed everything to push it out of the way and honestly, I believe that major disconnect to who I am and what I want to do with my life has been one of my biggest hangups to the decline of my mental health this year.
Now that I’m listening to myself fully, I know what I need to do to fix everything. The sense of peace I feel from it all is the most incredible feeling ever. It is time to take care of me. All of me.
Until next time, Readers, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.