Monday was a day. By that I mean, I don’t know what happened to me. Everything was so dark. From shortly after I woke up until I fell asleep. There was no light to be found and if I think about yesterday now…it feels like a distant memory or a dream, something I had no control over.
Speaking of dreams, even those have gotten darker. I remember dreaming about being angry with my doctor. That he wasn’t happy that I hadn’t lost more weight and I went through everything I’d been doing. Between the hiking on Antelope Island before Covid-19 got here, to working out with my daughter 3 and 4 times a week when she was here, playing the with the animals, and scrubbing my house down top to bottom…I was angry at the doctor for not being more proud of me for putting in such great amounts of effort to get my weight under control.
Mind you, I’ve lost a great deal of weight already. I am quite proud of myself for getting as far as I have. It hasn’t been an easy journey as I’m an emotional eater and there certainly has been plenty of reasons for me to be shoveling food into my mouth. However, none of that is going to make anything feel any better, which is something I have learned.
Anyway, one of the things that triggered everything for me was that I was trying to get my writing back on track. Big surprise there, huh? Like everything else yesterday, I felt incredibly dark about it. I haven’t been writing anything of significance. Again, no surprise. However, I have really wanted to change that.
I read that Camp NaNoWriMo was doing things differently in light of the Covid-19 isolation, so I thought, oh I should step up and write. I mean all this down time is certainly worth getting work done in. Not that I have had any issues with time lately, other than being simply truly a procrastinator when it comes to it.
So, I jumped on the NaNo site to start setting up things and I froze. I didn’t really want to do that. I mean, I can’t tell you how many camps I’ve participated in and quit, not to mention what was the point in writing. I don’t need the money.
The hubby man is finally in a job and we are in a lifestyle in which we are certainly comfortable. So, obviously the fact we needed the money wasn’t a good driving factor. That left my why on writing with a big question mark.
For the life of me, given my mood yesterday, I could not figure out my why for writing. As there was none at the time to be found, I wondered then, what the point of being alive actually was. If you make all these goals to get to a lifestyle where you are truly comfortable and you are content with the things in which you have…then what was the point in reaching for another goal?
Yeah, I told you, I was bad off yesterday. I literally circled that drain for the rest of the night. I’d convinced myself that I was a waste of space and energy. That the oxygen that I inhaled was better left for someone that would make a difference in the world and help others.
I could not think around any of that. Nothing made sense and why somewhere in my mind I was screaming, we write because it feeds our soul. That we understand the world better through it. None of that got through the darkness that was my mental space yesterday.
In fact, the highlight of yesterday and the part I am the most proud of myself for, was that we are getting storms going through here and the clouds got dark. Not scary dark, but it certainly didn’t look like mid afternoon in my room. Part of me began to freak out. I mean, what if there was another tornado that came through?
I knew I was on that border of heading right back into a PTSD moment. In fact, I had been talking to the hubby man at the time and he was waiting for me to need the security of his arms. I took a few deep breaths and just distracted myself elsewhere. Before I knew it, the panic had gone away and there was no fear.
Today, the hubby man had taken the dogs for a walk and mentioned that we’d gotten some hail while they were out. Instant panic rose up, threatening to undo me once more today. I mean hail came before the tornado and we are getting storms once more…
One deep breath. Twoooo, wait, I’m good. Nothing. I kept it nice and chill. Even as I’m writing this part, I can hear the thunder outside my office window. It does give me a moments pause, but I’m okay. It isn’t a fear of tornadoes, but rather just a startling noise.
Man, those two instances are massive accomplishments on my part. Especially as any sort of a storm would have had me on the severe weather prediction site and laying in the hallway with headphones in to get through it. The amount of debilitating fear I used to choke on….it was hard to want to even live through that.
I feel fine. Even if it takes me a few moments to get a hold of myself, I do get a hold of myself. I can breathe through these things and not suffer from the wild fear. The anxiety that came with it all is fine, and I haven’t taken a Xanax in over a month. Even with the Covid-19 scare.
As today is a new day, the dark cloud that was my day yesterday is gone. Even with the storms we have been getting and are still to come, I’m doing great. I can even think of all the reasons why writing is so important to me and my soul. The reasons why it is worth continuing to reach for it.
The only difference when it comes to that, is that not needing the money means I don’t need to stress myself out. I can write things to see if they will work for me. I don’t have to be so strict with myself.
So, I shall continue to fight on and work hard for the things I want. Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) or it isn’t worth doing.