First off, I’d really like to apologize for my mood and blog post yesterday. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, but I think all of you will understand that sometimes we all have bad days.
While I am not forgiving those people that inserted their arrogance into my life, I am both ashamed and embarrassed for the way I reacted to these things yesterday. People can say and do things all that they want, it merely shows who they are as people. It is how I react to these things that show who I am.
After taking some time to mentally recharge and gather myself, I realize my conduct did not show me in my best light. Nor did it truly express how I am most of the time. For that I do wish to apologize to all of you readers about such a thing. I turned this into a vent session and it shouldn’t have been.
This isolation has been hard on everyone, and though I am an introvert all around, even I have taken a hit from this. The little human contact I have had outside of the house is through social media and news. Which all of you can tell is steaming with negativity. I allowed that to further feed my own thoughts and take me down into the darkness.
The hubby man did the best thing for me, by taking my phone and shutting it off. I wasn’t allowed to have it at all yesterday, nor sign into Facebook. As I am someone that feels they absolutely need to be connected in every way to keep in control of everything, this was both hard and refreshing for me. Even now, I leave my phone off so that I can take the time I need, unconnected from a lot of negativity to continue to rejuvenate myself.
I do have to thank a friend of the hubby man’s as she did bring to light something I hadn’t thought about when it came to them spraying our apartment. It does have necessity as it prevents damage to the apartment and keeps us healthy in another way when it comes to bug bites and such. For that, I wish to thank her from the bottom of my heart. So, we will agree to them coming in to spray, but we will keep the grandkid six feet apart from the exterminator and wash down any handles he touches.
The hubby man set up a morning routine for our google homes. When I tell her good morning, not only does she greet me, but she gives me an inspirational quote. Today’s was incredible. It was a success quote by Maya Angelou, ‘Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.’
I find that sometimes quotes resonate with me and sometimes they don’t. This one really hit home. Especially after spending the entire night talking with my son. It helped to have someone to bounce things off.
We discussed how we felt about ourselves, how we were thinking and feeling. Not only did it allow me to really process my thoughts, but I was able to verbalize them and truly look at them. Some of them I knew how I felt. There were some I didn’t realize and in the process I learned that I am very much a black or white thinker.
I didn’t realize I held such polarized views, especially as I know a lot of people that are the same way and I’m like thinking like that isn’t going to help you. Low and behold, I probably took notice of it, because I share the same thought processes.
It is one of the reasons that I consider myself not working as a writer if I’m not putting down words. That includes plotting or character setup. If I’m doing these things that I actually do not consider it getting my work done. The hubby man has tried hard to explain to me several times that it is still writing and I should be proud of my progress.
This also works along the lines of plotting or pantsing. I don’t do anything halfway so I’m either a full plotter or a pantser. While saying that, I’m almost sure my actual creative thought is somewhere in between all of that.
This works the same with genres I write in. If I tell you that I’m an author of this genre or this one, then I don’t allow myself to deviate from that, so often times I end up stuck as the book that is currently in my head to write might not fit in any of those. So I simply don’t write.
Anyway, so now that I understand that I very much have polarized views it actually explains yesterday to me as well. While I put on my Facebook page that we were on lockdown, I wasn’t entire wrong. The state isn’t on lockdown. We are still permitted to get out and do the things to which we need to do, however, the fact that as a family we have made the decision to take this as seriously as it has become and protect those close to us it flipped a switch in my head so that to me, we are on lockdown.
It is very much that black and white thinking. Our state as a whole is actually in the gray area. We are locked down from a lot of things such as dine in restaurants, or going out to places like the aquarium or zoo, we are not in complete lockdown. So, for that I am sorry for posting about on my Facebook.
Now that I have been made aware of my polarized thinking I can try to spot these points in my life and find a way to work around such things. Or give myself some grace. While it certainly won’t improve things with people, it will improve things with me and that is what matters.
So, thank you for giving me the grace of not only being human, but one that is coping with a lot of things both professionally and personally. Until next time, remember to L.O.L. (Live it, Own it, Love it) and take the time to care for yourself this is a mental strain for a lot of us.